By: Kelly Chia, Humour Editor
Hello my darling sprouts,
You may remember my mother before me, Sylvia XVII, whose express purpose was to divine your perfect style by the mere art of quiz-taking. Now, for my modern perspective as you enter your fall semester. Are you ready to fall in love?
1. What’s your accessory of choice for lecture halls this term, darling?
- Your lovely custom-bedazzled iClicker! You dress to impress, and make incredibly permanent decisions based on material you will only use for the first y— I mean, what?
- You don three stopwatches with style. The first to check time, the second to remind someone that you have a cool stopwatch, and the third for glorious purposes even I can’t divine. So mysterious!
- Oh, a pal for my vintage heart. Metaphorically, of course. Yours truly is very young. You still wear your iPod Shuffle, which has a longer battery life than any phone anyways, and you can play your ten live versions of “Hands Down” by Dashboard Confessional in peace. Emo is so very.
- Your accessory is three Red Bulls, let’s GOOOO!!!
2. What do you think you value most in life?
- “Everytime we Touch” by Cascada. In your mind, there is nothing more transcendent than 2000’s Eurodance music.
- The intangible yet constant pressure of your future to do better, you say? WOW! We’ve got a bummer over here!!
- As you do this quiz, you are already starting the cheer, “When I say, ‘Chic,’ you say, ‘Punk!’” I have no power to stop you. A crowd has already gathered around you.
- “Value? In this economy?” Fair point, my little energizer bunny. But you must be vulnerable for us to proceed!
3. It’s time for the ephemeral and always relevant question: which line resonates with you, dear?
- “Hey now, hey now! This is what dreeeeeams are made of!”
- “No line could ever describe my wild, beating heart!” You suddenly shout. A raven mysteriously caws behind you.
- “When I was . . . a young boy . . . my father—” That’s enough, you’ve already started singing, haven’t you? Yep, there you go!
- “I describe myself more as a circle than a line.” Contrarian, I will compartmentalise you!
4. Of these four completely hypothetical scenarios from my galaxy brain, where do you feel most at home?
- The filmset of “Fabulous” from High School Musical 2. Ah, yet another pal after my chagrined theatre student heart.
- The actual gears of a grandfather clock, golden and hallowed. You aim to both be unfathomable and consistent, eh?
- I can’t even see you. You’ve disappeared into the crowds of Emo Nite!
- In . . . in my brain, you say? Why, how intrusive! Why not yours? Or perhaps there is . . . nothing in there of note? Ooooh, burn by the all-knowing Sylvia XVIII!
5. Finally, let’s turn this over: what aesthetic do you think best describes you. Please clap, you’re almost at the results after all!
- “Um, like, obviously Y2K.”
- “Steampunk all the way.”
- “No aesthetic, just vibes.”
If you answered mostly A’s, you are BEDAZZLED BABY!
Why, yes, you do love your Clueless and Mean Girl and Bratz dolls. I know this, but I also know there is more in you, even if you don’t know this yourself. Your key accessory item this fall is your bedazzler. Bedazzle your notes, bedazzle your professors, and your TA’s! And definitely consider bedazzling your coping mechanisms. If there’s one thing you should learn, it’s to never hold back, my darling child.
If you answered mostly B’s, you’ll be pleased to know that you are . . . MEAN GRANDPA!
Dress up in your finest tweed jacket because you’ll need to remind everyone that you are the undergrad doctor on campus! You pride yourself on being undefinable, and unfortunately for you, this is not that kind of quiz. Your best fashion items can be found inside a magical forest, as we all know you are too poor to actually afford quality steampunk items. But do not worry, you will ascend to your fabulous self! With my help.
If you answered mostly C’s, I hereby dub thee STUCK-IN-A03 KILLER QUEEN!
Um, rawr. XD Not to be mistaken for mean grandpa, I would never make redundant generalisations — that’s why there are four results, after all. You need to stay firmly hidden in a Hot Topic to succeed this semester. Your task is to decorate a super long Furby and wear it, sort of like a cute little boa. I’ve already named him: Sir Snurklepops!
If you answered mostly D’s, my CUTE little villain, you are the DEVIL’S ADVOCATE!
Awww, you. I recognize you just wanted to keep picking the answer that seemed the most fun. BUT THERE IS NO FUN TO BE HAD IN FASHION! There is only divination. And I’ve divined you to be THE DEVIL’S OWN APPRENTICE! Luckily, this too has been laid out in my devious machinations. You see, you will continue, contrarian.
Your lucky accessory is your voice: “Well, actually,” everyone in class! I think you should don little devil horns to really get into character, because you are, for sure, a Halloween bitch. Love you lots!